I am 20. It is 2008, my ipod mini is paused on ‘low’ by Flo Rider, my hair influence was Snooki and I am sitting in a lecture theatre learning about behaviour management, surrounded by mostly women, all who share my dream. We are going to be teachers.
Our lecturer is telling us about her tried and true methodologies, preparing us for our first classroom practicum. She was a teacher since before I was born, so she must be full of wisdom. After discussing physical proximity as a non verbal strategy to stop the talkers during quiet work time, she tells us her never fail secret weapon.
Praise.
“You ask everyone to gather on the mat, and little Ava stands up, pushes her chair in, and sits, legs crossed infront of you. You say ‘Ava! Look how STRAIGHT and QUIETLY you’re sitting! I see your hands are still, your legs are crossed and you even remembered to push your chair back in! WOW!’ like magic, watch as the other children scurry- pushing in chairs, sitting quietly and stare up at you, waiting for the story”
Fast forward a few weeks, and here I am. Being a real teacher.
Saxon, whose name I learnt fast from constantly being used for corrections and directives, is wriggling and touching his friends on the mat.
I do it. I ignore Saxon and....
“WOW Annabelle! You are just so ready to listen! Your body is telling me you are ready for the story. Everyone! If you’re not sure how to sit at group time, look at Annabelle.... ooh! Or you could look at Gracie, her back is up nice and straight, and wow....Ethan is keeping his hands to himself, great work Ethan.... what a group FULL of superstars”
Like MAGIC Saxon sits on his hands, removing the temptation of a poke or prod.
And I begin reading The Magic Hat, feeling like this moment has solidified my professional identity.... until about page 5. Oh no. He’s doing it again, breaking little pieces of crayon, balancing them on a ruler (where did he get a ruler?) and catapulting them into the group.
“Beautiful listening, Ethan!... I love how you aren’t getting distracted”
“Lucy! You’re doing SUCH great listening. I can’t wait to tell Mrs Metcalf all about it when she gets back”
3 more pages.... and doink- a shard of yellow crayon bounces off my legs.
In that moment, I realised that praise belongs in the “quick wins” box. It works fast, but never for long. It’s a surface-level solution built on what I would later learn is behaviourism- the idea that humans can be shaped through rewards and consequences, without ever considering their feelings, needs or inner world. Behaviourism places one person in power, deciding when another is “good” or “bad,” and the child simply learns to chase approval or avoid punishment. What they don’t learn is how to understand themselves, regulate their emotions, navigate relationships, or make thoughtful choices. They learn to perform. To please. To comply. And in the space between my praise of Annabelle and the crayon shard bouncing off my leg, I realised: children deserve more than strategies that make them easy. They deserve approaches that help them grow.
Now, 18 years later, I teach teachers. I am the mentor, the coach, and the trainer. I am privileged to be in a role where I help shape how others understand and respond to children’s behaviour. I carry with me a toolkit made from lived experience and shaped by the work of Dr Louise Porter and Alfie Kohn. Their voices sit beside me in every workshop and every conversation, gently reminding me that children do not need to be managed. They need to be understood.
Kohn’s work taught me that praise is not the ‘teacher magic’ or the warm, fluffy motivator I once believed it to be. It is often a quiet form of control that nudges children toward performing for approval rather than discovering the joy of learning for themselves. He taught me the difference between doing something because it matters and doing something because someone is watching. Dr Louise Porter’s Guidance Approach deepened this understanding by shifting my lens from correction to connection. She taught me to look beyond the behaviour and into the message underneath. She reminded me that children are not trying to be difficult. They are trying to be heard.
Together, Kohn and Porter gave me the permission and the language to let go of the old tools that relied on compliance. They helped me replace praise with genuine acknowledgment, curiosity and empathy. They shaped the way I speak to children and the way I teach adults. And every time I sit in front of a group of educators, I think of Saxon and those crayon shards on the mat. I think of how far I have come. And I feel grateful that my work now is not about creating superstars on the carpet, but about helping educators grow children who feel capable, connected and confident in who they are.
If you’re looking to better explore the ways in which your language holds power over children, and you wish to instead have power with children, I implore you to consider the following reflective questions.
- How often do I use evaluative praise (“good job,” “well done”) versus descriptive feedback (“you really concentrated on that”)?
- What messages might my praise send to children about whose approval matters most?
- Do I unintentionally reinforce compliance rather than curiosity or independence?
- How can I reframe my language to focus on children’s effort, process, and persistence rather than outcomes?
- In what ways might my own upbringing or schooling influence how I use praise and rewards?
- How do I support children to develop self-evaluation skills rather than relying on adult judgement?
- When a child seeks praise, how can I respond in a way that validates their effort but builds autonomy?
- What opportunities do I provide for children to take ownership of their learning and choices?
- How do my relationships with children communicate trust, respect, and belief in their capability?
- How can I create a classroom culture where children feel valued for who they are, not just for what they achieve?
If this reflection has sparked your curiosity, Dr Porter’s papers offer a rich next layer of thinking:
Acknowledgement compared with praise explores the subtle but significant difference between noticing children’s efforts and evaluating them. Porter invites educators to consider how acknowledgement supports autonomy, motivation, and a child’s developing sense of self, without creating reliance on adult approval.
Not in Praise of Praise – Effects on Self-Esteem challenges the assumption that praise automatically builds confidence. Instead, Porter unpacks how praise can unintentionally undermine self-esteem, risk-taking, and intrinsic motivation over time.
Both papers provide thoughtful, evidence-informed insights that deepen a guidance approach and are well worth exploring in full.
For more on applying acknowledgement in your teaching practice, visit Dr. Louise Porter’s website and blog, which showcase the foundational work that has shaped these key changes in my pedagogical approach.
Links:
Dr Louise Porter – Frequently Asked Questions: FAQ – Louise Porter
- Acknowledgement compared with praise Microsoft Word - Praise
- Not in praise of praise – Effects on self esteem. Not in praise of praise pdf
Author: Angie Freeman