"Every behaviour tells a story. Swearing is a chapter; it’s not time to close the book." - Annette
As a facilitator, mentor, and long-time Educational Leader in School Age Care, I’ve witnessed the ripple effect of a well-timed swear word.
A child or young person lets something slip - muttered under their breath or shouted in frustration - and the room seems to pause. Educators exchange glances. Do we name it? Ignore it? Come back to it later?
It’s one of those charged moments that can stop us mid-step. But over the years, I’ve come to see these moments differently.
What if swearing wasn’t something to manage, but an opportunity to understand the needs and experiences beneath the words?
What if, rather than leaning away, we leaned in - with curiosity, compassion, and openness to meet the need beneath the language?
Swearing can feel confronting. It can shift the energy of a room. But often, it is a signal - urgent, emotional, and seeking expression. When we respond through the lens of needs, rights, and relationships, we move beyond behaviour management and into connection, co-regulation and skill-building
So, let’s pause. Reflect. And explore what swearing might reveal and how our responses can help children and young people feel seen, safe, and supported.
Why do children and young people swear?
Children and young people rarely swear at us, more often they swear in front of us. It’s often less about disrespect and more about communication, expression or peer connection.
Swearing can serve different purposes for school-aged children and young people:
- Fun: To add humour, exaggeration, or drama to a story; often to entertain or provoke laughter.
- Connection: To bond with peers, fit in, or mirror the language they hear in social groups (“this is how my friends talk”).
- Mastery: To feel older, more confident, or socially competent by imitating what they perceive as grown-up or “tough”.
- Safety: To release tension or strong emotions in a way that feels powerful and immediate.
Using the Phoenix Cups® framework, a child or young person who’s had to sit still, follow rules, and “hold it together” all day may arrive at your service with an empty Freedom Cup®. A well-timed swear word might feel like a small act of autonomy - a way to reclaim agency. For others, it’s simply the most expressive language they know in a moment of frustration or social intensity.
This is not a sign of disrespect. It’s a creative, if imperfect, attempt to meet an important human need.
A trauma-informed, rights-respecting approach
From a trauma-informed perspective, swearing is often a sign of dysregulation, not defiance. If we respond with shame or punishment, we risk undermining a child or young person’s sense of safety and belonging.
Instead, when we respond with calm curiosity, we affirm their right to express themselves (United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, Article 13) while guiding them toward ways of communicating that are safe, respectful and empowering.
We send the message: You’re still safe here. You’re still seen. You’re still welcome here. Let’s work this out together.
In My Time, Our Place V2.0, educators are encouraged to support children and young people in understanding and managing emotions in ways that promote safety, trust and belonging. Swearing, when reframed, becomes an opportunity - not to silence - but to scaffold respectful communication, and both needs and emotional literacy.
Practical, reflective strategies for educators
1. Stay calm and grounded (Say what you see, ask a question)
When we remain regulated, we model co-regulation. A calm, steady voice can de-escalate a charged moment.
️ “It sounds like you’ve had a big day. Want to chat or take a break?”
2. Connect before you correct
After the heat has passed, revisit the moment with care and curiosity.
“When you used that word, it seemed like you were feeling really frustrated. Let’s figure out together what could work better next time.”
This models empathy, emotional literacy, and reflective problem-solving (Porter, 2006).
3. Co-create agreements around language
Rather than imposing bans, invite children and young people into shared conversations about how language shapes our space.
“What kind of language helps us feel safe, included and respected here?”
This honours children’s agency (MTOP V2.0, Principle 1) and builds the Skill to Fill ™ Freedom Cup ® and Connection Cup ®.
4. Explore the need behind the word
Swearing often masks unmet needs. Support children and young people to develop strategies that meet those needs respectfully - what we call the Skill to Fill™.
- Freedom: Offer meaningful choice, autonomy, and leadership opportunities.
- Fun: Create space for humour, playfulness, creative word games.
- Mastery: Recognise growth and effort. Invite mentoring roles.
- Connection: Strengthen belonging through rituals and relationships
- Safety: Build calm, predictable environments and teach both needs and emotional literacy.
This is not about compliance. It’s about building capacity for respectful self-expression.
5. Partner with families
Approach these conversations with compassionate curiosity and a strengths-based lens. Recognise what’s working well and build from there in genuine partnership.
This could sound like:
“We’ve noticed Kai has such creative ways of showing us what’s important to him. We’re exploring new ways to support him to navigate and express big feelings in ways that feel safe and empowering, and we’d love to collaborate with you on ideas that feel right for him.”
This aligns with Quality Area 6 - Collaborative Partnerships with Families and Communities, valuing families as experts on their children and young people.
Reflective questions for teams
- How do we describe and live out respectful communication in our context?
- In what ways do our responses reflect trauma-aware, rights-respecting practice?
- How do we model self-regulation and empathy, especially in moments of challenge or pressure?
- How are our expectations co-created with children and young people so they reflect everyone’s needs, rights, and strengths?
- How do we consider culture, gender, disability, or neurodivergence in the ways language is used, received, and adapted?
- What could we do more of to create communication that feels safe, inclusive, and empowering for every child, young person, and family?
- If we imagined our most respectful, relationship-rich communication culture, what would it look, sound, and feel like in everyday moments?
Swearing is a signal, not a sentence
When a child or young person swears, they are communicating - urgently, emotionally, and often in the way that feels most powerful to them in that moment.
It’s our role to listen, understand the need beneath, and support them to develop the Skill to Fill™ - meeting their needs through respectful communication, relational repair, and self-awareness.
As Dr. Louise Porter (2006) reminds us:
“Children act disruptively not to avoid punishment or gain rewards, but to meet their needs.”
Let’s move beyond managing, toward co-creating respectful communication cultures where every child and young person feels heard, valued, and capable.
References
Australian Government Department of Education [AGDE]. (2022). My Time, Our Place V2.0: Framework for School Age Care in Australia.
Phoenix, S & Phoenix, C (2019). A Phoenix Cups Story. Phoenix-Support publishing.
Porter, L. (2006). Children Are People Too: A Parent’s Guide to Behaviour. East Street.
United Nations. (1989). Convention on the Rights of the Child. Convention on the Rights of the Child | OHCHR
ACECQA. (2025). Guide to the National Quality Framework. Guide-to-the-NQF-web.pdf
Author: Annette Johnson