Connection Over Control

It starts quietly. Jonas dashes across the room, his sneakers squeaking on the tiles. Ethan notices and joins in, his laughter echoing louder than the educator’s voice calling them back to the carpet. Within moments Milly is running too, her arms outstretched like an airplane as the three of them loop around the block corner, past the book nook, circling the space again and again.

The other children glance up from their play, some giggling, some tempted to join. The educator tries to regain order with firm instructions, but Jonas, Ethan, and Milly only run faster. Their play has shifted into something incredibly purposeful, and powerful - a shared goal to meet their need for Freedom.

This alliance isn’t new. Jonas, Ethan, and Milly know each other well and have a secret language that means they move in unison, appearing to read each other’s minds. What we have here is the purposeful formation of a resistance… a resistance that will rebel together, and if necessary, retaliate, or even escape.

Jonas leads with daring glances over his shoulder, Ethan copies his moves, and Milly retaliates when an adult tries to intercept, calling out triumphantly, “No poo bum!” Together they have formed a small but mighty movement, fuelled by the energy of refusing control.

When control replaces connection

What we see in Jonas, Ethan, and Milly is not unusual. Dr Louise Porter (2008) describes these as reactive behaviours - children’s responses to being controlled. She explains that when their need for freedom is restricted, they push back, sometimes alone, sometimes together. Porter cites Thomas Gordon, who noted that these reactions often take the form of resistance, rebellion, retaliation, or escape attempts (Gordon, 1974, as cited in Porter, 2008).

The need for freedom is one of the strongest motivators in human behaviour (Ryan & Deci, 2000). In the Phoenix Cups framework (Phoenix & Phoenix, 2019), this need is thought of as a Freedom Cup. When freedom is restricted, their Freedom Cup is emptied. Children don’t stop needing it; in fact, they are motivated to fill their Cup even more. They show us through resistance, rebellion, retaliation, or escape that the environment is emptying their Cup. When freedom is experienced within a respectful relationship, however, their need is met (their Cup is filled), and they are more likely to stay connected.

Neuroscience now shows us what educators have long sensed: staying connected with children with a trusted relationship calms the body’s stress response. In one study, people facing the threat of an electric shock showed calmer brains and reduced distress when they were holding the hand of a familiar, supportive person. The same was not true when they held the hand of a stranger (Coan et al., 2017). Our brains, it seems, “outsource” some of the work of staying safe when we are with someone we trust. For children, respectful, dependable relationships with educators reduce the sense of threat in the body and make it easier to stay engaged in play and learning.

Recent research shows that not every child in a classroom experiences the same quality of relationship. Even with the same educator, some children receive more warmth, sensitivity, and responsiveness than others (Burns et al., 2023). These differences matter. It is the quality of each moment of connection that shapes how safe children feel and how well they can regulate and learn. Respectful relationships need to be lived and felt by every child, not only spoken about in policies or programs.

Large-scale research echoes this. A New Zealand study that followed more than 21,000 people found that feeling socially connected predicted later mental health more strongly than mental health predicted connectedness (Saeri et al., 2018). This study reinforces what educators see every day: when children feel accepted and valued, they flourish. When they don’t, distress follows. Respectful relationships are powerful protective factors that can safeguard children’s wellbeing and resilience long into the future.

Building safer relationships

Research can show us why freedom and connection matter, but safety is built in the everyday actions of educators. The way we respond, moment by moment, shapes whether children feel safe enough to stay connected, to learn, and to grow in our care.

Safe relationships depend on how present and resourced we are as educators. Those everyday moments of connection are easier to create when we feel steady and supported ourselves. Research has found that teachers with higher levels of mindfulness (an ability to stay present and aware without judgment), reported less conflict and more closeness with children in their classrooms (Becker et al., 2017). The study showed that mindfulness helped reduce teacher stress and depressive symptoms, which in turn strengthened relationships with children. For educators, this

means that our wellbeing is integral to children’s safety. A calm, supported adult is better able to listen, to notice, and to hold space for children’s disclosures. Building a culture of safety in early childhood services requires not only practices that honour children’s rights, but also workplaces that support educator wellbeing.

When we feel stressed, our default is often to use corrective or directive interactions. We call out instructions, tell children what to do, when to stop, or try to impose control. These strategies might feel effective in the moment, but they often contribute to the problem by escalating resistance. One way to rewire our default is to replace directives with narration. Instead of telling children what not to do, we can start by noticing out loud what we see. In the case of Jonas, Ethan, and Milly, an educator might say, “Wowsers, you’re all moving fast today! Where could we move our bodies super fast?” Or when two children are arguing over their favourite truck, “It looks like you’re fighting about whose turn it is with the truck. Would you like my help to work this out?”. Narrating and inviting curiosity opens the door to problem-solving with children rather than for them. This simple shift helps preserve freedom and connection, even when behaviour is challenging us.

Shifting our interactions with children in to attuned, responsive, trusting relationships is vital. It supports their wellbeing, their brain growth and development, and their lifelong health and resilience. Just as importantly, it protects their safety right now. Children we are connected with and attuned to are more likely to communicate with us if they don’t feel safe.

Children who are compliant and obedient aren’t always safe. As Professor Freda Briggs (1995) taught us, it is trust, not compliance, that protects children and gives them the space to signal distress. In settings where children feel they must simply obey, their voices can be silenced. The safest children grow in autonomy-supportive environments, where they are free to speak, be heard, and have their needs respected.

When children resist, rebel, retaliate, or escape, they are showing us that something in the relationship has ruptured. They are telling us that freedom matters. When control takes the place of connection, trust breaks, and children will protect themselves in the only ways they can.

The research is clear. Whether at the level of the brain, the classroom, or across a lifetime, connection is what protects children. It calms the threat response, supports regulation and learning, and predicts lifelong wellbeing. And when educators are strong in their wellbeing, those relationships become even safer and stronger.

Respectful relationships are how children know they are safe enough to take risks, to learn, and to share what matters.

As educators we can ask ourselves:

· Do the children in our early learning settings feel free to be themselves?

· How do adults respond when children resist or rebel - do they reach for control, or do they reach for connection?

· What might shift if we saw each act of resistance not as a problem to solve, but as a message to hear?

Our role is to be the adult who listens, the adult who can be trusted with the truth.

And many educators are already building these kinds of relationships every day. Each time you listen closely, respond with curiosity instead of control, or give children the freedom to express themselves, you are creating an early learning setting where every child knows they are safe, respected, and free to be themselves.