When was the last time you said yes to something, then immediately felt the energy drain from your body like something just drained your Cups?
Well, you're not alone, and you're certainly not a bad person for feeling this way.
If you're the person everyone leans on, the reliable one, the fixer, the one that says yes to requests from friends like "can you help me bake a three tier cake for my sister's engagement party which just so happens to be tomorrow!?", then this blog is for you. Because we need to talk about boundaries… the ones that protect your needs, your Cups, and your sanity.
First, a quick Cup refresher
If you're new here: The Phoenix Cups® framework uses 5 Cups as an analogy, each representing a basic human life need. Your Safety Cup®, Connection Cup®, Freedom Cup®, Mastery Cup®, and Fun Cup®. We each have different sized Cups, which makes up our unique Cups profile, and every behaviour we choose is our best attempt at the time to fill them. You can take the quiz here to find out your own personal Cups profile.
When your Cups are full or filling, life tends to feel smooth sailing, nothing gets in your way. But when they're emptying, that's when the seas begin to get a little rough. You find yourself waking up flat and unenthused, you develop snappy comebacks at loved ones who definitely don't deserve that version of you. And when your Cups are running on the dregs alone, you may yourself with a deep yearning to just cancel everything and bed rot for the whole weekend.
Now stay with me… I want to introduce you to two more Phoenix Cups terms that you'll want to get familiar with. The Will to Fill™ and The Skill to Fill™. The Will to Fill™ is the unconscious internal drive that motivates you to fill a Cup when it's emptying. It's the empty part of the Cup doing the talking, and sometimes it can be obnoxiously loud! Then there is The Skill to Fill™, this is that set of thoughtful and effective behaviours you develop over time to reliably fill your Cups, rather than just grabbing whatever quick fix is nearest to you at the time.
The myth of the Cup filling hero
Somewhere along the line, many of us have absorbed a belief that our worth is measured by how well we keep everyone else's Cups full. Your partner's Cup, your kids' sometimes very messy Cups, and even the Cups of that one friend who only ever calls in a crisis.
It feels noble, and it can make you look generous with your time. But here's the kicker… it is completely unsustainable!
Every person's behaviour is a direct result of their own attempt to fill their five Cups. The Will to Fill lives inside each of us on a deep humanistic level. So does the capacity to build the Skill to Fill. Which means that while you can absolutely support, encourage, and cheer on someone else's Cup filling, you cannot, and should not actually do it for them.
When you try to do this, two things happen. First, your own Cups drain. Every hour, every yes, every rescue mission is poured from somewhere, and that somewhere is from directly within your own Cups. Second, they never get the opportunity to build their own Skill to Fill. If you step back and take a look you might find that this is very evident with your own children, or the people closest to you. If you're always the one topping up their Cup, then they'll never develop the drive to learn how to reach for the tap themselves.
"An empty Cup can pour nothing, no matter how much you love the person holding theirs out for a refill."
As a devoted ‘Cupify This’ podcast listener, one reflection has really stuck with me from the episode on boundaries - being boundaryless is a Cup emptying behaviour, and the only person accountable for that is you!
A boundary is a lid, and you're the only one who should be lifting it.
The concept of boundaries can tend to get a bad rap. The statement "I'm setting some boundaries" can sound harsh, like walls we're putting up to keep people out. But through a Cups lens, we see a boundary working more like a lid on a Cup.
A lid still lets you share what's in your Cup. It simply means you decide when to pour, how much to pour, and who to pour for, instead of letting anyone with an empty Cup help themselves whenever they like.
Here's what protecting each Cup might look like in real life.
Connection Cup boundaries. Protecting your Connection Cup means investing in relationships that flow both ways. It might sound like: "I love our chats, but I can't be your only support person. Have you thought about who else could be in your corner?" Real connection fills both parties' Cups, however emotional labour that only flows one way drains yours.
Safety Cup boundaries. Your Safety Cup needs calm, predictability, and stability. Boundaries here might mean stepping out of other people's chaos: ”I’m here for a chat when you need me. My phone goes off between 7pm and 7am, though, so I’ll get back to you after I’m up and at ‘em in the mornings”. You can love someone without living inside their storm 24/7.
Freedom Cup boundaries. If your calendar is packed with other people's requests, your Freedom Cup is gasping. The boundary: protect time that is yours before it's anyone else's. "Unfortunately, that day doesn't work for me." Full stop, no lengthy justification required.
Mastery Cup boundaries. Chronic fixers, this one's yours. Solving everyone else's problems feels like mastery, but it's borrowed mastery, and it steals theirs. Try: "I reckon you've got this. What's your first step going to be?" Then comes the hard part… let them take the lead.
Fun Cup boundaries. Yes, your Fun Cup needs boundaries too! If every weekend is spent on obligations dressed up as leisure, the boundary is protecting genuine joy: "I'm keeping Sunday free for something fun." No apology required.
"But it feels so selfish..."
I hear you. If you've spent years being the Cup filling hero like myself, then setting your first boundary can feel like committing a minor crime. So let's flip it!
Think about the people you love most. Do you want them showing up for you exhausted, resentful, and running on left over crusts the kids didn't eat at lunch? Or would you prefer them to be full, present, and genuinely glad to be there?
Exactly! And they want the same from you.
When you take responsibility for your own Cups, you are able to give from the overflow instead of from the tiny drops left at the bottom. This then turns your yes into a real YES. Your presence, in turn, becomes real presence. And when you stop overfilling for others, you hand them back the most respectful message there is: I believe you can fill your own Cups, and I'll be here cheering while you do.
Boundaries make sure that when you show up for the people you love, all of you actually arrives.
The drain audit
Before you set a single boundary, run this quick audit on your Cups:
Which of my Cups feels lowest right now?
Is it low because of my own life load, or because I've been pouring it into someone else's Cup?
If it's the second one: what's one small boundary that would slow the leak this week?
Want to go deeper? Chris and Sandi unpack boundaries and Brené Brown's research in Cupify This! Season 1, Episode 14: Brené Brown and Boundaries, available now on Spotify.
Meet the author
Our clever facilitation team all write about their areas of interests that they present about in our workshops. Click through to read more about the author and see which of our professional development sessions they facilitate.
Bec Barrett
Marketing at Phoenix Support for Educators.
Bec Barrett's career path is anything but conventional, and that is exactly what makes her such a brilliant addition to the Phoenix Support team.